This week at the movies…Johnny Depp transcends heaven and earth; a little boy goes to heaven and lives to tell everyone about it; Marlon Wayans survives another spoof movie about haunted houses; and a family of bears survives the wilderness of Alaska.
Transcendence
Johnny Depp comes out of hiding and stars as an artificial intelligence researcher who has designed a machine that collects the intelligence of every person on earth. Anti-technology radicals want his head, and when they shoot him, his wife and best friend plug Depp (Will) into the machine, where he takes over and threatens to destroy life as we know it.
Perfect For: You like stories about dystopian futures and hard sci-fi stories like Prometheus.
What the Critics Say: Wow, despite a kind of interesting premise, it has been universally derided by the critics. Like, we’re talking a 7% rating. Writes the Chicago Tribune: “After an intriguing start, ‘Transcendence’ - aka "The Computer Wore Johnny Depp's Tennis Shoes" - offers roughly the same level of excitement as listening to hold music during a call to tech support.”
Our Take: This is totally the kind of movie we’d like, but because of the bad reviews, we’ll wait till it’s free on cable.
Heaven Is For Real
A Christian drama based on the supposedly real-life story of a four-year old boy, who after he almost dies during appendix surgery, claims to have been to heaven and seen members of his family. The proof offered is that he knows about a miscarriage nobody told him about, and he’s seen his granddaddy, whom he never met in real life. The e-book on which the movie is based sold gazillions and made the New York Time bestseller list. But while most Christian-targeted movies are terribly made, with subpar actors, they managed to nab respected actor, Greg Kinnear, and Braveheart writer Randall Wallace.
Perfect For: Families of faith.
What the Critics Say: Better than most movies of this ilk, but still has a kind of sappy, after-school whiff to it. Writes the Arizona Republic: “Although it has some serious flaws, it rises above genre fare, thanks to Greg Kinnear's intriguing performance and the work of a good cast.”
Our Take: If we were into this sort of movie, we’d watch it.
A Haunted House 2
A follow up to Marlon Wayans comedy spoof of Paranormal Activity, this outing looks just as offensive, ridiculous, and possibly as unfunny as the first. Riffing on racial stereotypes, it’s got physical slapstick comedy and sight gags galore. Also starring Jaime Pressly, Gabriel Iglesias, and Cedric the Entertainer.
Perfect For: You like spoof movies, the Wayans brothers, and tasteless sight gags.
What the Critics Say: Critics don’t review these movies in advance. For a reason. The last flick got a 10 percent rating.
Our Take: Skipping.
Bears
Presented by Disneynature, Bears is set in scenic Alaska, and follows a small Grizzly Bear family (two cubs and their mom) as they grow up. Featuring slo-mo, painfully cute shots of baby bears rolling in the snow and cavorting in the water, it’s like cute overload for the big screen.
Perfect For: The whole family and nature lovers. (You know, people who like to go camping, and watch the National Geographic channel for fun.)
What the Critics Say: It’s pretty darn good. (100% on the Rotten Tomato meter). Writes Variety: “Surely some of the film's various incidents have been creatively stitched together from stray bits and pieces of footage, but its central conflict is an entirely organic one, and rarely is any offscreen string-pulling distractingly evident.”
Our Take: It really does look adorable and beautifully shot.
